Reflecting on a real life moment

So, some of you know I wrote a book. I put my poems together and put it in binding form. A hard copy!

I wrote and put it together in the mist of a pandemic and in the mist of a lot of disarray. I honestly don’t know why I felt the need to do it the way I did. But, I do know I wanted to prove something. I wanted it to be something to show…

“Look at me! I did something too! I have something going for myself too!”

Maybe that wasn’t the right motive, but it was my truth.

Well I put it out there, there were very many hiccups in the spacing, printing, fonts, etc. I was overwhelmed and disappointed that so many different copies and versions were being released.

But I had to push past it. I tried to push past it. But it haunted me.

Even still I moved forward and attended an event were I could display my book and sign copies. I was so excited and nervous but it felt good to be seen. Who knew being seen could make those close to you, envious of you…

After that event, I no longer felt proud of myself. I felt the book was a flop.

My first day of releasing and that event was all that was sold. I have yet to sell anymore copies, till this day.

I bought 100 for myself to sell when out and about and based on what others said they would do if I had hard copies to display. And yet they lie in a box. Nothing happened the way I wanted it too. I definitely didn’t feel supported in the way I was longing for and I learned a huge lesson on the power of expectations.

The night of that event, things happened to me, maybe one day I’ll share but it changed me beyond words. Because of the significance behind those details I linked my book with it and even now it’s hard for me to talk about my book, it’s even hard for me to read the poems in it. It’s mind blowing how trauma works. Something so moving and significant can be linked to something so devastating and you find yourself never looking at that significant movement the same.

That was me. The meaning behind my poems are real life stories. It may take an analytical mind to decipher the message but it’s my message. It’s my life. I never in a million years thought that something could top the meanings behind those poems in that book.

Well….stayed tuned because something did.